I really appreciated the comments on this piece, and took them on board. Sarah, I dont know how I missed my spelling mistake as spell checker was on, so as soon as it went on to google docs, it was all red, highlighting for me to mend! and i kept the "all of these experiences in" but took what you said on board, and adapted the sentance before to explain a little as to what they were!
I looked at Liams comments and used his "What I realized" idea which I feel summarizes the whole piece and leads people on to the next chapter of my life (BAPP) smoothly.
So, thanks so much for your kind comments, here my next and hopefully complete draft!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bX4o8YT8JXroIzI-RCBQq4brzRmm7TJg0RqixCaZJ0Q/edit?hl=en_US
I'm afraid I can't get access to your document michelle! You have it on the wrong privacy setting and at the moment you need to grant us all permission to view it. If you change the setting to "anyone with a link" we'll be able to read it no problem!
ReplyDeleteHope you fix it soon and I look forward to reading your 2nd draft.
Argh! ha! ok, changed it! thanks Liam. Will I have to repost the link?
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle, just to let you know I've had a read of your personal profile 2nd draft and I think it now explains perfectly about who you are, what you've done and what you hope to achieve.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the length as I didn't find myself thinking it was too long or too short and loved that you kept the sentence I liked!
I think you did very well to take on everybody else's comments but still keep it as you wanted and think this could definitely be your final version.
Hi Michelle!
ReplyDeleteGlad you managed to change the setting and I have now read your second draft.
I was really impressed; the second half was much more succinct and an easier read. It's warm but professional, and I think a lot of your personality and attitudes towards work come through the writing.
I picked up on a couple of typos that I thought you might want to fix:
Third paragraph, 2nd sentence "what I realised is that as much as I love" there seems to be a few too many commas!
Same paragraph, "and led me look along a different path" I think led should probably be let? Or "led me to look"?
Good work. Like Emily says, content wise I think you've got the final version here.